Refilling the Well

FRIDAY FREE-FOR-ALL
We all have responsibilities.  For women, that often includes the usual human things, such as eating, cleaning, looking out for our bodies and more.  Some women are married and stay-at-home wives, while some work outside the home, in addition to the usual in-home chores of life.  Some women are single and look out for themselves.  They clean, they shop, they cook, and they are responsible for only themselves.  Some women, single or married, add children to the equation.

We are nurturers.  We take care of others--husbands, children, parents, siblings and friends--while juggling all the other facets of life.  Sometimes we become so immersed in those things that we forget about ourselves.

Being a single mother with grown children and young grandchildren, my attention is focused on them, while still finding time of my own, as I try to balance work, play, and the inevitable checkbook.  It's easier, now that my four daughters are grown, but once a mom, always a mom.  I do what I can, when I can.  If I can't, I worry that I'm not being the mother I should be.  And then I remind myself that it's my time.  Not all of it is mine, but the others can take care of themselves.  After all, they're the moms now.

The first time I heard the term Refilling the Well, I was already writing and in the midst of working toward publication.  I was married, with four children, so demands on my time were natural for any woman in that same place in life.  We give of ourselves and often forget that we need time to regroup, to kick back for a little while and become who we are, other than wives, employees, mothers, cooks, cleaner-uppers, caretakers and all those other things we do because that's who we are.  After all that giving, we sometimes feel depleted of energy, time, and--dare I say it?--giving to others.  We need a little time to take a breath and think of ourselves and find way to remind us that we, too, are special.  That's what Refilling the Well is.

Why do we need to refill our wells?  Because if we don't, we might fall into the trap of not caring about ourselves.  If that happens, we might endanger our caring for others.

So how do we refill our wells?  We give ourselves the gift of time.  Our time.  No rushing Junior (or Juniorette, in my case) to ball practice or spending every spare minute that isn't taken up by all the have-to's in life by giving to others.  We don't fill those spare moments with organizing the pantry or polishing the baseboards in our house.  Well, not unless that's something that makes us happy and takes a special place in our hearts.

5 Ways to Spend Time Alone (And 14 Inspirational Quotes about Solitude)

Make a list of the small things you can do for just yourself.  A long bubble bath?  Reading?  Watching a movie we've always wanted to see?  Kicking back and listening to music we enjoy?  Spending time with a close friend or several friends?  Taking a long walk in a peaceful spot?  Watch the water in a pond or even something as simple as sitting outside on a nice day, enjoying the weather?  What one thing can you do for yourself that will take you away from everyday life and, especially, make you smile?

I used to be an avid reader.  I could read 3-5 books a week, depending on the length of them.  Reading is still what I do when I have a few minutes of quiet, uninterrupted time to put aside the demands of work, family, and home.  But too often theses days, I find myself not reading for pleasure, only for knowledge and instructions, even though my Kindle and bookshelves are filled with all kinds of fiction!  Guess what one of the things will go on my list?

With luck, I'll also be spending time with friends this weekend.  I'm looking forward to and excited about our writers group's upcoming mini-retreat this weekend.  Eight hours of talking writing, brainstorming, helping each other, laughing and sharing.  I'll spend the day with people who share my love of writing.  (The photo above was taken at our Fall Mini-Retreat last year.  While the mini-retreat is "job" related, it never feels that it is.  Many of us in the group are friends, outside of the group.  We're there for each other when times are bad or when we have something to celebrate.  We might get together for dinner out, and we've even been known to take in a movie together!

How often should we refill our wells?  As often as possible!   Ideally, that would be every day.  That's not often possible, so let's go for once a week.  If that doesn't work, how about once a month, or quarterly?  Or whenever the opportunity presents itself and especially when we're feeling depleted. Don't say no to an invitation from a friend to do something together or simply get together, unless it's absolutely necessary.  Don't feel selfish or that you're wasting your time.  We all need to do things we enjoy, in addition to the requirements in our life.

Why You Shouldn't Feel Guilty About Stealing a Little Time for Yourself (Psychology Today)

Refill the Well whenever you can.  Whenever the opportunity presents itself.  It doesn't have to be planned out in advance.  It can be done on the spur of the moment, when a small amount of time is presented.  Leave the dishes and vacuuming for a little later.  Give yourself the gift of time.

Enjoy your weekend, and if you get the chance to refill your well, take it!

I think you have to refill the well at some point. ~ Skeet Ulrich

Monday Mania

That cute little graphic on the left isn't as generic as many might think.  There's no reason why it shouldn't be.  But...

For the past few months, I've been watching college basketball.  More precisely, my two favorite teams, the Wildcats (Kansas State University) and my hometown Shockers (Wichita State University).  I've been a WSU fan for much longer than I've been a KSU fan, but because they're in different conferences, it's okay.

KSU didn't do too badly...playing at "home."  However, road (away) games gave them trouble.  WSU, on the other hand, hasn't had that problem.  The now 34-0 team is ranked #2 in the nation.  How do they do it?  They play one game at a time.  It's a "we'll win this game and worry about the next one when that first one is over."

I think that's a pretty good way to live our lives.  One day at a time.  One game at a time.  One play at a time.

Why worry when there's nothing we can do about tomorrow, except finish today by living it the best we can?  Funny that I would say that, since I've become a worrier over the years.  I'm trying to get control over that, so when I realize I'm back to worrying--about bills, the age of my car, the weather, my family's problems--I stop and remind myself that worrying has never changed anything---except maybe make things worse.  I'm working hard to turn my negativity to positivity, too.

I'm also trying to regain my sense of humor.  Somewhere along the line, it's all but disappeared in many facets of my life.  I've been working on that, too.  And believe it or not, it's tied up in those basketball things.

How so?  I've been reading the WSU chats/boards/whatever on ESPN.  There are a lot of KU (Kansas University) fans, who hate and despise anyone but KU.  I'm not a KU fan and haven't been for a whole lot of years, but I wouldn't saunter over to the KU chats/boards/whatever on ESPN and post obnoxious comments about how bad KU teams are.  (KU isn't all that bad, so why lie?)  I have my reasons for not being a KU fan, but they're my reasons, and I doubt anyone really cares what they are.

Which brings me to how badly people now believe in "public."  Not the real public, but media provided by the internet.  Whether it's my-school-vs-your-school or my-political-party-vs-your-political party or anything else you can thing of, this big old world has shrunk to the size of a...computer.  How does this tie in to regaining my sense of humor?  By watching some of the most disgusting comments ever posted on FB, ESPN, Twitter, Amazon reviews, and every other type of "social media" or whatever venue is available to voice an opinion.  If I don't have anything nice to say, I don't say it.  Usually. ☺

People seem to like to denigrate others, and the only reason I can find for it is that some people feel the need to bash someone or something else to make themselves feel superior.  Frankly, I don't enjoy spitting venom at others.  You see, my opinion is my own.  It may not be the same as yours.  In fact, if it is, the reasons for it may not be the same.  My opinion is worth as much as yours is, and yours is as much as mine is.  Do I think my opinion is right?  Sure I do.  I'm human.  But I've never found arguing or forcing others to agree with me, when they really don't, all that uplifting.

One of my favorite pieces of writing is the Desiderata.  It begins with this:

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

The Desiderata was quite the thing back in the 60s.  Those "hippie" days.  But the above makes good sense.  I'd like to post it as a comment on some of those social media places to remind people that a) we all need to get along, and b) each of us has the right to an opinion, but try speaking it "quietly and clearly," lest you show your hate.

The Wichita State Shockers will be playing in the NCAA Basketball Tournament.  Will they win?  I hope so!  But it's basketball.  Anything can happen.  Even a 34-0 season.  Hey, Shockers, I'll be watching!

We may have our private opinions but why should they be a bar to the meeting of hearts? ~ Mahatma Gandhi

Life's Little Potholes

Yes, that's a pothole.  Anyone who has traveled on a road, whether paved, dirt or sanded, has dealt with them.  They tear up our tires and vehicle and can slam our jaws together tighter than an old lady's corset.  My particular pothole is sitting in the middle of the Road of Life---MY life.  And I've hit it.  Why?  I don't know.  It is what it is.

When this happens, when we hit that pothole, we're stunned.  Then we're shaken.  How much damage has been done?  Other than to my jaw, teeth, and nerves, that is.  I drive a little down the road, only to notice that my steering wheel is insisting I veer to the right.  Flat tire?  I stop, get out and check it, and see that the tire is fine.  Back in the car, I fight the direction the car wants to take me.  The pothole has messed up the alignment.  Just what I don't need right now.

As the French say, "C'est la vie."  Such is life.  We get slammed when we least expect it and least need it.  The first reaction is anger.  I don't like to feel angry.  I don't like that dark, ugly feeling inside.  I want light and pretty.  I do what I can to keep that period of anger as short as possible.  The anger turns to frustration, and the tears begin.  I don't want to cry.  I want to be able to smile, but my emotions have been shaken and bottomed out.  Just how much damage was done to the underneath of my car?  Panic sets in.  Can this be repaired?  If not, what's next?

We've all heard about the stages of grief. There are five of them.  Here's a quick summary.

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

When something traumatic hits us, we go through these 5 stages.  It may take minutes, it may take years.  The length of time of each the stages varies with each person.  They don't always happen in that order.  Some are even skipped.  For me, the Denial stage was, "You've got to be kidding.  Really??"  Yes, there's a tad bit of Anger in that one. :)

Eventually, we come to Acceptance.  The car is out of alignment, there's a dent in the undercarriage, but it's all fixable.  It's only going to take some time.  Oh, and some money, too.  But at least the car will not have to be replaced.  So we do what is necessary to get us back on the road again.

What we don't do is give up.  We don't curl up in a ball and tell the world to go away.  We do what is necessary to make things right for ourselves, then we move on.  Yeah, probably to hit another pothole down the road, but if we've learned to keep a watch on the road and we've learned that we can avoid those potholes--not always, but often--a bad thing eventually becomes a not bad thing.  Maybe even a good one.

Life is full of lessons, just like roads are full of potholes.  They get us when we least expect it.  Go ahead and get angry.  Get it all out.  Just don't let it rule your life.  Make your life better because of it.

All the adversity I've had in my life, all my troubles and obstacles, have strengthened me... You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you. ~ Walt Disney

Time Off

THE WRITING LIFE

The time came for me to keep a running To Do list.  I kept forgetting to do things, then rushing to get them done when I realized they needed attention.  My list never seems to be finished.  Each day I add something new, in spite of marking off at least one or two items that were already there.

Sometimes we simply need to take a break.

In addition to writing, I design author websites and provide childcare for my grandkids.  All but one of the five (a step-grand makes it six) is in school.  (Hear my hallelujah?)  So last week, still in the throes of not having my taxes filed yet, website work to do, and a proposal that needs some changes and polishing, my youngest daughter decides we need to take the youngest grand (her niece) to the zoo.  One more thing to add to the list.  But I shrugged my shoulders and said, "Okay, if you really want to."  After all, there's a special admission price this month on Wednesdays, making it less painful on the pocketbook.

With a backpack stuffed with sandwiches, and my camera in hand, we went to the zoo.  It's been a while since we've gone.  In fact, Payton (above with the bears) has never been to our zoo.  She wasn't exactly wild about the idea at first, but once there, when told, "Come on, we have to go," after looking over an animal, she cried.  Yeah, I think she liked it. :)

We have a wonderful zoo here, much better than the tiny (free) one in a park that I visited as a child.  Not that I've never seen better than that old one.  I've been to some of the best, including the Chicago Zoo and the San Diego Zoo.  But I have to say that ours now ranks among the best.  While there are some of the more common animals (lions and tigers and bears and, of course, elephants, and Michael Jackson once bought a baby giraffe from our zoo), we include the more uncommon from all over the world.  The best part is that the animals are shown in their natural habitat, not sleeping or pacing in cages.

Stork

The zoo is divided into sections, including areas of the world.  There's the Children's Farms that include an Asian Farm, American Farm, and African Farm.  Our new Penguin Cove opened a few years ago, and there's an indoor Amphibian & Reptile building, that begins with three large, and very old, tortoises and ends with the snakes (shiver).  Since seeing Harry Potter, I have images still in my mind of how the glass disappeared when I stand in front of the Anaconda exhibit.

Inside the Jungle

The Jungle building is one of the most popular and includes not only a real waterfall, but fruit bats flying freely and vampire bats in a dark, glassed in area.  Plants are everywhere, and the birds are free to fly and roam...and make a lot of noise.  There's the North American area, with bears and buffaloes and more, the Gorilla Forest that's so much fun to watch.  Africa and Asia, which includes the Tiger Trek, moves on to Australia and South America.  Most of the animals from those last two regions were unavailable, thanks to our colder weather here, but we'll catch them the next time.

Gorilla playing with a sheet

The exhibits are all well-marked as is the way to each area, and the information shared on each animal is fascinating.  School children from the city and surrounding school districts take trips to the zoo every year and learn new things.  And, yes, I do read those information signs.  Flamingos get their pink/orange color from eating greens that contain iodine.  I remember the flamingos at Cyprus Gardens in Florida when I was child, but I never knew until yesterday that the underside of a flamingos wings are black, thanks to them taking low flight from the shore to the pond yesterday.

While it wasn't the beautiful day forecasted, and the sun refused to come out from behind thick clouds, with a stiff breeze and 10 degrees cooler than expected, we still had a wonderful time!  Proof, once again, that time off is needed by everyone, and it doesn't take much to make some of those times memorable.

“Sometimes it's important to work for that pot of gold. But other times it's essential to take time off and to make sure that your most important decision in the day simply consists of choosing which color to slide down on the rainbow.” ~ Douglas Pagels

Countdown to Christmas

MOTIVATION MONDAYS

It doesn't seem possible, but two weeks from today is Christmas Day.  I don't know about the rest of you, but this year has flown by so fast, my head spins just thinking about it.  The reason for that could be that in February I put my head down to write two new books.  The second of those was finished three weeks ago, complete with the usual revisions.  But didn't stop there.  I'd already done some work on a follow-up book, so with deadlines met, I pulled out that new story, made some changes and finished the synopsis to go with the first three chapters.  That was accompanied by a four-page synopsis for a second book.  Both were sent to my agent last Wednesday.

Motivation hasn't been something I've had to hunt for over the past couple of months.  Deadlines will do that.  So will new characters begging to have their stories told.

But it's nearly time for Christmas, and I'm ready to sit back and enjoy the holidays.  As much as possible, anyway.  Most of my shopping, except some online purchases, is done.  My daughter put the tree up Saturday evening, while I put some lights in the windows.  I can't say we're decorated to the hilt--far from it--but at least we've done something.  For a while, we didn't do even that much.  Small grandchildren don't work well with decorations.

What I'd really like is some time to be like that cat in the picture above.

It seems motivation is taking a holiday.  And that's okay.  In addition to myself, I know many, many writers who have worked through holidays, sometimes year after year.  It can be done, although it obviously isn't the most popular way to spend "the most wonderful time of the year."  On the other hand, bills must be paid, so deadlines must be met.  For some, it wouldn't be Christmas without them.  Literally.

But deadlines, whether writing or holiday ones, we each need to remember to spend some quiet time with family, friends, and even ourselves.  Especially the latter, because if family is around, we'll forget that we need some time to ourselves, if only for a few minutes to catch our breath.  Deadlines and holidays are both stressful, so below are some links to some de-stressing tips.

• 10 Ways to De-Sress During the Holidays from the Charlestown Patch, Boston MA
• 12 Ways to Destress Amidst Holiday Madness Woman's Day Magazine - Destress tips that can be done 15 minutes, 10 minutes, 5 minutes, or 1 one minute segments
• 3 Easy Says to De-Stress Over the Holidays Shape Magazine 

Need more ideas?  Simply google/search using *tips to destress during the holidays* for many more.

'Tis the season to remind ourselves to take a break and relax.

“Just breathing can be such a luxury sometimes.” ― Walter Kirn, Up in the Air

'Tis the Season to Listen to Our Inner Silence

MOTIVATION MONDAYS

I'm one of those rare people who finds beauty in the starkness of winter.  While I love the brisk air and the scents and colors of autumn, it doesn't last long, and I'm left with something close to the picture on the left.  There are only a few remnants of the leaves that are still barely hanging on.  The year is doing much the same thing.  It's speeding right along to the end, ready to begin again on January 1.

It's a hectic time of year, these days between Halloween and New Year's Day.  Women, especially, are faced with the dilemma of finding enough time to do it all. As I mentioned in a previous blog post, that can be eased by using KISS and delegating.  This year, I discovered that there seemed to be only a blink of an eye between Halloween and Thanksgiving, when in reality it was a full two weeks.  I suspect I'll feel the same when looking back to Thanksgiving from Christmas.  As it is, life seems to move fast, and age makes it seem to go even faster.

Between now and the first of the year, we'll be running at top speed, hampering any thoughts other than those connected to menus, recipes gifts, decorations, cards, and all the rest of the trimmings of the holidays.  There are so many things on our lists of things to do that we forget to take a moment for ourselves or even to breathe.  But we can do something about that.  In fact, we need to do something.

• Turn off the TV that blares Buy This! every fifteen minutes.  Try it for 10 minutes.  Try it for 30.  
• Take a walk and let your mind wander to anything but the have to do's.
• Daydream.  And if you don't remember how, it's time to relearn.
• Put on some music, either soothing or upbeat, whichever makes you smile.
• Start a journal...or morning pages à la The Artist's Way.
• Start a Blessing Box or Thankful Jar.
• Meditate or learn how to meditate (There are free guided meditations online, just do a search for them.)
• Breathe  and breathe again.

We have a new dog, something I said I'd never do again, but this one desperately needed a new home.  So Max, the Pekingnese, has become part of our family.  Either my daughter or I take him outside several times a day.  One of the things I've noticed as I stand in the backyard is that I can hear the leaves falling.  Yes, really hear them drop from the trees and hit the ground beneath.  And yet I know that in the spring they'll be replaced by a new growth of buds that will begin the cycle of life, once again.  It's humbling.

Take some time to breathe and enjoy a few quiet moments of this special time of year.  Stop and listen to your inner silence.  Doing so will not only help you find peace in chaos, but possibly a moment of joyous illumination in your life.

We need quiet time to examine our lives openly and honestly - spending quiet time alone gives your mind an opportunity to renew itself and create order. ~ Susan Taylor

Success - Writing Wednesdays

Yes, I know.  It's Thursday, not Wednesday.  My Writing Wednesday was consumed by websites and other people's needs.  But that won't stop me from sharing my thoughts, even though it is a day late.  So let's take a look at changing our thought process.

As a group, those of us who create, who are artists in the broad sense of the word, tend to have trouble believing in ourselves.  True, there are those who definitely don't appear to have a problem in that area, but overall, the majority of us want to succeed but don't expect we will.

Creators---artists/writers/musicians/actors/and all the other more cerebral types---are more apt to struggle with what others might see as small and inconsequential.  For us, nothing is trifling.  Everything is a big deal...at least as far as our "art" goes.  And fear of failure is at the top of the list.  It can grip a person so tightly for so long that people often give up before they give themselves the chance to prove that fear wrong.  Silly, isn't it?

But it isn't only those considered as creators who are frozen in fear.  Many people are unable to take a step in a new direction, no matter how much they wish to achieve or change something.  That's not only silly, it's sad.  For if we don't step outside of our comfort zones now and then, we never grow.  And it's not fun to stagnate.

If you were guaranteed not to fail, what would you do?  Finish writing that book you started fifteen years ago?  Paint your kitchen fuchsia?  Take a Zumba class?  Get married?  Be a parent?  Within each of us---even those who've never doubted themselves or their abilities---there's something we want, but are afraid we'll fail to achieve.

As amazing as it is, we're in the 21st century.  According to astrologists, we're moving into an age of enlightenment.  Personal growth is just around the corner, if we only give it a try.

It's time to change the self-talk.  "I could never do that" will now become "Of course I can do that!"  It's not a should do that, it's a will do that.  Don't just stick your toe in the water, jump in!

What are you ready to try?  What thing, small or large, will be your success?  Because trying is succeeding.

Action is the foundational key to all success. - Pablo Picasso

A Swift Kick - Motivation Mondays

Okay, I admit it.  Somebody needs to hang a kick me sign on my back today.  Maybe that will motivate me to get in gear and get something done.

That's right.  I'm not feeling at all motivated to do anything except maybe crawl back into bed and sleep for a few hours.  This is not a good sign, and I'm fighting that need to snooze.

Let face it.  Sometimes motivation is elusive.  Thinking positive thoughts, reciting affirmations, playing uplifting music and dancing around the room doesn't always do the trick.  And maybe that's okay.  Maybe a short downtime is exactly what's needed.

There are hundreds of reasons why getting motivated can be a chore.  In my case, I worked more hours than I should have over the weekend.  I had a project to finish, and I was determined to do it.  (One of those "goal" things, I guess.)  In face, in addition to that project, I also managed to get the new phone plugged in and the old phone moved to the living room so I could hear it while watching TV, which I don't do often.  That was followed by a sudden need to sort papers and bills and clean off my desk...which won't last for more than a few hours.  Cleaning in the utility room happened later in the evening and was something that desperately needed doing, as did the load of laundry that cried out to be washed.

Working weekends has just become a part of me, but maybe I shouldn't let it.  Maybe it's true that we really need some time to goof off and not give in when work--that can wait a day or two--keeps calling.  Added to that is not having a vacation for four-going-on-five years, and a day off isn't just due, it's almost become a desperate need.

So if you're having a day that motivation isn't to be found anywhere, go ahead and spend some down time.  Before you know it, you'll be up doing something, even if it's nothing more than getting a glass of water.  And then you'll notice that sink full of dishes is calling out, and you can't say know.  Sometimes the best motivation is not thinking about all the things that need to be done.  Take break.  Get a glass of water.  And follow your instincts.  Before you know it, you'll be motivated and ready to get back to work.

Rest when you're weary. Refresh and renew yourself, your body, your mind, your spirit. Then get back to work. -  Ralph Marston

It's Here!

Yes, it's really here!  It comes once every week, and it's what sometimes---make that often---gets me through to Friday and that TGIF we all adore.  If you haven't guessed what this is about, you aren't paying attention.

It's Hump Day!

I know, I know.  It only means we're at the middle of the week, not the end, and the weekend is two (and a half) days away.  But once midday on Wednesday hits, it's all downhill with Fab Friday only a quick slide away.

The trick is knowing how to psych yourself into the joy of Hump Day and to know how to use it to your best advantage.  So here's some things to think about as you make your way through this week's---and every week's---Wednesday.

1. Did you make a goal for this week?  It doesn't matter what the goal was or what it involved...from cleaning to exercise to writing to shopping to reading to resting to--  You get the picture. ☺  If you did make a goal, this is a great time to assess how it's going. If you've made progress--any progress--congratulate yourself and keep going.  If you haven't, then what are you waiting for?  There are still 2+ more days to work toward it.
2. If you've already accomplished what you'd hoped to this week, you deserve a break!  Take a little time to do something that makes you feel good.  Give yourself a reward!  It doesn't have to involve money (although it can!), but it must be something you enjoy.  Indulge yourself, if only for a few minutes before life calls you back again.  After all, it isn't the weekend yet, just the halfway point.
3. Ask yourself what else you need to do before Friday ends the official work week.  More than likely, even if you reached your goals, there'll be other things waiting in the wings that need doing.  This is the perfect time to decide how to spend the rest of the week, so you'll have time to enjoy the weekend.  Because isn't that what weekends are all about? 

For those who don't work a regular Monday thru Friday week, simply adjust to fit your schedule.  If your days off are split, decide whether to use the first one or the second one when judging progress.  (Hint:  Using the first may give you a little more time to work on whatever it is you need to do.)

Why, in the middle of the most stressful season of the year, with Christmas and New Year's sneaking up quickly, am I suggesting a focus on goals?  Because getting things done without going crazy is hard work.  Why not make time work for us?  If we become so mired in what to do, instead of what's been accomplished, we start to lose steam.  Wednesdays are the perfect time for taking a breath to look at what's been done and what yet needs to be done.  Remember, bite-size  pieces make anything easier.  If nothing has been accomplished so far this week, from this point on, a little focus and work will go a long way to being able to enjoy the weekend.  So get busy, and then slide on down that hump to TGIF!

"You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don't try." 

- Beverly Sills